Stay at Home Poser

Right now I am sitting on the couch snuggling my baby on my chest while writing. My older children are at preschool at the same time- this only happens for two hours each week.

This morning was the first morning that I was able to time feeding the baby, getting myself ready for the day and getting the kids ready for school.

I drank an entire cup of coffee from a mug in my kitchen and perused a catalog. My to-do list is growing quickly and is being checked off no where near as quickly because I have three kids under four years old and my ability to stay in task is challenged.

Heck, I took the kids-all 3- on a play date smack dab in the middle of a week day.


I am enjoying the life of a stay at home mom.

However, this comes to an end in April, when I go back to work. This is only maternity leave- the shortest I've taken with all three children.

Don't think I'm saying that being a stay at home mom is easy- or easier than being a working parents. Both have pros and cons making them equally challenging, rewarding, dreadful, wonderful, etc...

I have mixed feelings about being home. I absolutely love being home with my family. There is nothing like removing work from your mind to help you focus fully on your home life. I feel very in tune with my children.

But on the other hand, I thrive on routine and I expend a lot if mental and emotional energy trying to to create (or just pretending) and alter our schedule. And despite the state of my home at the moment, I am constantly organizing and rearranging. It makes me feel in control. I know that this is both a cause and effect of my postpartum depression, my need for order in a time if total chaos has me reeling. It always does.

I have always wanted to be home with my children and our drastic changes made last year are a sacrifice now to low me that privilege soon. But I find that I am dreading going back to work even more than I did with my other two. I can see how much I will be missing while I'm away from them. This baby is likely our last and I will bees sing his first just like I had to with his siblings. I also don't have much time until Princess is in school. Time is flying and there is nothing I can do about it.
I am also aware that I am asking my mother and mother in law to take on a lot while watching the kids during the day. I'm worried I'm asking too much.

Right now, I'm pretending that I'm a stay at home mom with no plans to go back to work. I have a few weeks left to live in a fantasy world.

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